Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody. 
I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!
don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.
Honestly, I love every single some of you.
If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.
Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.
To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.
I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.
Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting. 