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My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that. 
Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change
if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames
I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond
I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.
finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.
If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.
Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.
The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.
What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.
Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?
Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.
You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.
Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.
This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian". 