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Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you... 
Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...
I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?
Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore
Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.
Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.
All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.
Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!
cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.
I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye. 