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As long as there is someone up in heaven to protect me, there is no one on earth who can mess with me. 
The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. In a related story who cares.
Laptop speakers... too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
not sure what's worse.... finding out Darth Vader is your father or remembering that the day before you were trying to f*ck your sister??
wondering when a Jehovah Witness dies and gets to Heaven if God hides behind the Pearly Gate and pretends he's not in?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.
It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5cm..........And it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or MasterCard.
Privilege is the ability to go out and march against anything that triggers you, without having to worry about the consequences of calling in to work.
Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.
Today I met the sweetest, funniest, hottest guy in the world!......then his boyfriend showed up :(
Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....you're welcome!
Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast.
busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison.
slept with his girlfriend's younger sister. She found out and said, "You disgust me." I said, "We never discussed you at all.
and Alcohol ended their relationship.
They say every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your life. I have now officially removed the adult-diaper years...
I'm sick of Canadians sneaking across the border and stealing our hockey jobs.
Facebook message inbox:"Wwo! Is htat raelly you in htis ivdeo?".... Yeah, that link looks safe, it was obviously sent by one of my dear friends, let me click it and check it out, no way it's a spamming virus...... Idiots. 