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We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up. 
My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.
thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!
"We used all our brainwashing techniques and we still lost" - US Media
It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.
There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.
Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.
Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry
I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..
That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?" 