g0re Funny Status Messages

   Got caught jerking off while sniffing my friends sister's panties yesterday.... Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went f*cking ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.

   I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

   Everytime you use the handicap stall you secretly hope no one in a wheelchair comes in.

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   I hate it when people belittle other people's problems just because they're not as bad as some. No matter the gravity, they're still problems, and people have a right to be sad.

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   Think about it this way: Due to all of the successes Steve Jobs had, news of his death is spreading faster than it ever could have. That's what I call a life's accomplishment.

   Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

   It seems that nowadays people just add random symbols or letters after a colon and call it an emoticon. Like really? What the hell does :H mean.

   My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck? Well breaking a condom is 18.

   Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.

   You know what a lot of words mean, it's just really hard to explain it

   The most annoying thing is when you get a pimple on your nose, like I would rather get a pimple any where else but...

   Erasers can be your best friend and be like "Oh hey, you need this erased? No problem, I got you." While other times, they can be like"OH HEY I THINK YOUR PAPER NEEDS A SMUDGE RIGHT HERE, LET ME TAKE CARE OF THAT FOR YOU".

   It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.

   I don't understand why people are so amazed when I say that my grandfather survived Auschwitz. I mean, most German officers did.