SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   No matter what it is I'm doing, there's always about an 85% chance I'm supposed to be doing something else.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   You have no idea how funny I am to me.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.