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For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka. 
"America Online founder Steve Case actually endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. However, I Bet the last thing Hillary Clinton wants to hear right now is ........ "You've got mail."
If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.
Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.
*feeling chest pain* probably need more pie
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.
I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.
Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...
I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.
My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze
Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.
He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar. 