lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   I had the right to remain silent...but I didn't have the ability.

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   It's been scientifically proven that chocolate contains a shrinking ingredient. It shrinks your clothing!

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

   George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles

   ..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?

   It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.