SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.