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I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell GOT IT then run away. 
If you actually believe in this Doomsday & Rapture nonsense...Please gracefully delete yourself from my friend's list...Coz I am allergic to retards and idiots.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I bribed a cop this morning, handed him my drivers license with a doughnut underneath
To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.
single moms do not get to celebrate fathers day, go grab your 50 Shades book and zip it
go to translate.google.com - type "........" change language to Japanese, click listen... Enjoy!
Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.
RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".
A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.
Today is Boxing Day in Canada. Or, as we in America call it; WTF is Boxing Day??
When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.
Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "
the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...
Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.
Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...
Guy: I love u. Girl: Aww really? Boy: Yep, Its my favorite vowel.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.
Dear boys with no shirt in their profile picture, I like your phone. Sincerely, hunny you have no abs 