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My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday 
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.
Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."
I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.
My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.
Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.
DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open 