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[Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out. 
Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees
I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.
The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.
Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.
Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.
I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!
i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning. 