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Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house. 
Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.
How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...
Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power
Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.
Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.
My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...
You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.
If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.
3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy
Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist? 