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Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help. 
If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.
Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?
We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.
Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O
OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?
What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.
Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.
My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this support of Crony Capitalism, growing Governmental Corruption and selling out this nations sovereignty to the new Globalist Governmental System. Am I missing something here?
If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.
They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.
My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain. 