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We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower. 
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses
Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago
Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.
DUI of the Tiger
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
[Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other. 