Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
"I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there 
Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.
I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!
The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.
If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?
I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.
Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.
Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.
Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl? 