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Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them. 
Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?
Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...
My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.
The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.
As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife
Decaf is the handjob of coffee. 