SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   My friend's 3 year old asked me to marry her today & I said yes, but now I don't want to. (She's mean & she dresses weird)

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   “Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.