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Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting... 
Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.
Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.
Personally, I think Disney World is taking it's Animal Kingdom experience to far.
If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.
Yesterday was A slight fumble, but I think Melania's really gonna shine in the swimsuit portion of the competition...
... In the former USSR they called it Propaganda. In the United States .... They call it news.
Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.
News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.
I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.
I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.
I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
"So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...
I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens. 