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the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition 
I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China
I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....
Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.
People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.
Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.
How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday?? 