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I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk. 
Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.
Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.
There's much better things in life than alcohol but alcohol compensates for not getting them.
*smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad*
Eating healthy is great
I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !
Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.
Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?
At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.
The leading cause of divorce is marriage.
If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.
When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.
When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.
I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious. 