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I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML. 
Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...
Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."
[at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.
Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.
: A cat never cries over spilled milk.
Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...
There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.
Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...
Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
12 days to Valentine...
...wives have become more polite than customer care..
I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...
Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women 