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There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone. 
Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.
I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"
This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.
I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.
We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.
I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . . 