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I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in 
I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.
Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.
On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...
Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.
"what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)
They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them
My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.
20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.
The dating pool definitely has pee in it 