Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
*rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset...... 
I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.
The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.
This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.
I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired
I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.
My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said,
"Staring contest......GO". 