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The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins" 
I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.
Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.
This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over
No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.
A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.
Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.
Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...
It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath. 