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I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte. 
Presidents come and go, the pendulum swings back and forth ... America is 259 years old .... it has happened many times and we are still here ... so just Chill
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Caitlyn is gonna be a Tranpa.
"Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages
It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.
I never wear a Halloween costume. I'm a character all year long!
Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.
I’m not being unreasonable am I? My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
Just wanted to quickly thank Ashton Kutcher for taking responsibility for Mila Kunis' pregnancy. My wife would have killed me.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...
I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting
FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money
I found chocolate in the couch. No,I don't know how long it's been there. Yes,I ate it. 