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If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her. 
Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂
The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.
The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.
So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."
One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁
They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!
Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight
If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.
Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.
Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".
I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house! 