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We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat. 
Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.
I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔
Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.
Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.
If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.
There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.
Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it. 