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"Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately. 
Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy
Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉
tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country
You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times
Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
"If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator
When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"
Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
Good Morning Inmates 