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I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food? 
I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?"
DOG: "Correct"
I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers
Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.
My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
"The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."
I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.
Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
Relationship status: Would get in the van
Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously
Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD
Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" ..... 