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A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it." 
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!
Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!
Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is
Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.
Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...
I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.
I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise
I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers
I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore
"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed
You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!
I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.
It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....
Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student. 