Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."

   Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!