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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign. 
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”
The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.
Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.
Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3
Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts.
I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.
Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.
Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive. 