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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me. 
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.
" I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."
My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession!
I replied...
"wake me up before you go go"
You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.
I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by,
"that's him officer"
Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
Some people should
use a glue stick
instead of chap stick.
Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
You had me at “we have a warrant”
I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.
She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March? 