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More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car 
On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
You had me at “we have a warrant”
I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.
She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.
Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
* 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it. 