sean Funny Status Messages

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"