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When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad? 
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!
Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .
Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.
Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
Big misunderstanding: I wish someone had told me ahead of time that I wasn’t required to disrobe at a “Gender Reveal Party”.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together. 