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Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night. 
Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.
That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh
I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.
PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.
There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor. 