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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her. 
What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...
Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent. 