Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Can't wait 'til I'm elderly so I can wear band-aids on my face without shame or explanation.

   I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

   Knows a way to keep NFL players from acting like sissies, give them all leather helmets to wear again.

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   Auto correct is like having a 4 year old play mad-libs with your email.

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.