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How do you save justin bieber from drowning? YOU DON'T 
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!
Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress
Good morning Monday...now get outta my face!
You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.
It's funny how people that seems to know everything are always the unhappiest.
Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.
Today doesn't have that new day smell.
MTV needs to be "Made" into a better channel
Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .
9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.
There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.
Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...
HoodTranslations101: "I'm chillin tonight bruh" - My current financial situation will not allow me to partake in the festivities tonight.
I was drunk when I had my picture taken for my drivers license. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.
I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.
If a girl is standing and shouting through the sunroof of a limo, that limo has turned on its slut siren. 