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If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne. 
Privilege is wearing $200 sneakers when you've never had a job.
going to get a tattoo that says "Live Without Regrets", and have it spelled wrong.
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
Dear BP, ....Lower your gas prices a good amount and we'll call it even.
Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem. Every time I ring, her husband answers the phone.
haha Strap-On spelt backwards is no parts
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?
I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..
So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.
Every day I am forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off.
If you really need to set aside one day a year to show your "love" then obviously that person doesn't mean much to you
Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."
If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN mouth!"
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
time to get the Atari out and take care of this falling satellite...
Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs
You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
You wanna raise your child with no manners? Fine. But don't be mad when they're mean to my kid, and they come flying through your yard with a black eye because I punted them out of mine. 