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Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool? 
You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.
Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it
Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.
I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.
Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.
Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
"Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome
When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal... 