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Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue. 
Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"
So my girlfriend thinks we should move in together. I told her no. She asked why, I said "you have bad habits" she paused and asked "what habits?" to this I gave thought, and said "your cooking"
What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?
is out making some changes in her life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? A. He did okay until his business fell off.
If the Americans can't find Osama Bin Laden, they should stop looking, sit down with a cup of tea and try to think where they saw him last. This always works when I can't find my car keys or the wifes hairbrush.
just finished his studies as in an Analyst and Therapist, and is not a fully qualifies Analrapist
on my way to Oz on the yellow brick road but overshot it by 150 miles- I was having an argument with myself, I was not asleep, got here OK, hanging with Glenda.
I no-longer have magazines in my washroom, I got my phone to mess around with instead
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Drunk Midgets....i'm pretty sure this is what people come to the internet for.
Whoever has the most Facebook friends when he dies WINS
Has anyone invented exploding vuvuzelas yet? (Please don't steal my idea.)
You may be out of my sight... but never out of my mind... I Miss You!
not suffering from Schizophrenia, he/she's quite enjoying it. and so am I.
DRINK TO FORGET BUT NEVER FORGET TO DRINK.
being defiant and popping his microwave popcorn with the "This Side Up" facing down. BITE ME REDEHBACHER!
It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again. 