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What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It's a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one! 
Seriously Dad, stop sending me fwd emails. 2001 is history...
my new party trick I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a ss tied together I s hit you knot
Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.
The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away
EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.
What is it about Adele's voice that makes me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes??
If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either.
Just did 100 crunches, and I'll be damned if there aren't just crumbs everywhere.
Dear Blackberry: after downloading your new 7.0 software, its fair to say I'm very disappointed, don't know if bbm talk can make up for this.
Remember when we needed to look up a word, we had to go thru a dictionary, like the book form, not Google. What the fck was that all about?
Wait...you mean "Angry Birds" is NOT the Britcom Version of "The Golden Girls"?
Sometimes I don't know whether I want a girlfriend...or a sandwich.
THE QUESTION ISN'T Who Won Debate? THE QUESTION IS Who Swallowed DE-BATE!
My girlfriend wanted matching tattoos but they are permanent so I just asked her to marry me instead…
My wife just left the room to go fart. Thirteen years together and we're still not there yet.
31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything
Happy Birthday Weed! 