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Did you know the salt in the ocean is from all the misunderstood sharks, crying, because they just want to cuddle! 
wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!
Nothing says ''I'm a fat a$$ like wearing a T-shirt in the pool!
WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!
If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...
Did you ever stop to think that maybe broccoli doesn't like *you* either?
I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)
I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.
GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.
I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.
Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.
twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...
I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)
Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.
''Breaking News ' Randy Travis was arrested at his home today for digging up BONES at a local cemetery
Just wondering, will there be any Transgendered bathrooms at the Republican National Convention this summer?
You always know when random, clean, friendly people come talk to you in the street it's because they want you to join their religion.
The girl I like said yes! She wants to marry me! It's like this gun I'm pointing to her face is magical.
That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life. 