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I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college." 
My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.
Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.
Good luck to all the Hunters this weekend! I've had no luck hunting White Tale all year!
Even though I finished my test first, I wait for someone else to get up...
You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...
If you ever find me on my death bead, please take me off my death bed and put me in my alive bed.
meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..
Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.
If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
If I could have Superpowers, I think it would be either the ability to fly, the ability to turn myself invisible, or the ability to understand women.
My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.
DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*
I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?
I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits
a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.
I believe in angels, The kind that heaven sends, I am surrounded by angels, But I call them friends.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...
Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply! 