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this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club... 
How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…
I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.
trying to arrange a week off work so I can watch 127 Hours
Has a immunity idol hidden in my pants.
Just saw Dianna Ross on Oprah, wow I don't think I'll ever get an erection again
Hey you look familiar aren't you in my AA?
They say it's hard when gas prices are higher than yourGPA.....Gas prices have ALWAYS been higher than my GPA.
Keep going on about how fat my Mamma is and you'll find yourself squished...
Dont ask me to follow you on Twitter if you aren't going anywhere.
WALL-MARTIANS... it's worth the trip
Wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said?
You wanna know the definition of deductive reasoning? I've deduced that the fatter the chick, the more boring the facebook page.
So I hear the schools are going to stop teaching cursive writing. That's OK. I can type an entire sentence without making so much as one single errot.
A Villain is judged by the quality of his henchmen.
You know those filters in your head that tell you its a bad idea to say something. Yeah well, I think mines broken.
Would you like to share that with the class? Yes, of course. That's why I was whispering it.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
In light of the impending nuclear catastrophe I have two words of advice for the Japanese… Double Tap
On this blessing occasion of mother's day I'd like to thank all the sri lankis and philippinos and other maids who are raising the precious lebanese children and wish them a happy mother's day 