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Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of. 
Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop
does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment
A restraining order against morning people.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.
I only smoke weed as a safety service for the general public.
I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.
did any of you guys ever have sex with 2 different women? In the same year?
Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect.
Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.
You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.
Get out of my glass, and get into my mouth - talking to vodka.
Kim and Kanye did something today, not sure what, but it was all ove rthe news.
Having your cake and eating it too is just code for cheating on your diet...or your spouse
Arkansas is like a pretty bimbo who's a lousy lay. Nice to look at but not very stimulating.
Breaking up with someone because you told them a joke and they didn't laugh is a good enough reason.
I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.
I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....
I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.
I'm a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ignore them. Problem solved for me. 